We're Not Going To Lose Him Now!
by Jayne Leigh
Summary: During the Episode Noel. Leo tells the President what's been going on with Josh, whilst the rest of the Staff talks to Stanley about Josh and the night at Rosslyn. Epilogue
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, this is set during the episode 'Noel.' In between Josh shouting at The President and talking to Stanley. I'm not sure whether the time line is correct so sorry if its wrong. Please review and let me know what you think!! **

**Enjoy!!! **

**We're Not Going To Lose Him Now!**

"I feel good, today, Charlie... " The President stated as he entered the Oval Office with his body man following closely behind. "Yo-Yo Ma's performance last night was uplifting."

"Yes, Sir." Charlie agreed but said no more.

"We're two days away from Christmas and there are no crisis to deal with right now." He continued, taking his seat behind his desk. "There was an incident regarding Josh yesterday but Leo's dealt with that...And there was something going on with C.J and a painting, that I really don't want to get involved with."

"So, just the matter of running the country then, Sir?" Charlie quipped, handing him some sheets of paper.

"Ah, yes...That." He sighed quietly, screening over the paper.

There was a small knock on the door and Leo entered.

"Good Morning, Mr. President."

"Good Morning, Leo...We were just discussing our crisis free day."

"Ah..."

"Ah?" The President repeated, questionably. "Leo, it's Christmas Eve tomorrow, please tell me there isn't something happening!"

"There might be an issue." Leo said slowly, watching Charlie take the cue and leave the room.

"What is it?"

"Josh."

"Josh?? If this is about yesterday..."

"Yes, Sir... It does have something to do with..."

"Because I don't appreciate being shouted at, but you can tell him not to worry about it... In the spirit of Christmas, I'm going to forget it even happened."

"Well, that's all very well, Sir but if you'd speak to Josh, you'd find he also has no recollection of it."

He frowned in confusion. "What does that mean?"

"Sir, Josh has been having some problems." Leo sighed. "Shouting at you yesterday, it sort of confirmed something that we've all been thinking."

"What sort of problems?"

"The shooting."

Jed stared at Leo for a moment; everything he was being told was going around inside his head.

"I think, along with C.J, Toby, Sam and Donna that he's still struggling with what happened at Rosslyn."

"Is he in pain?"

Leo opened his mouth to reply but struggled to find the answer. "No, Sir...Not...Not physical pain..."

"You mean...Mentally..."

Leo sighed. "You're not the only one he's been shouting at..."

"Well, Josh Lyman shouting at people is not unheard of."

"Yeah, but he doesn't usually shout at the staff in his bullpen for making too much noise... He doesn't shout at Toby for putting bagpipes in the lobby..."

"Maybe he had a point with that one." Jed cut in.

"He shouted at Sam for being away from his office...At C.J because there'd been no new information on the pilot."

"He's still working on the pilot?" Jed asked, confused. "I thought you told him it was over."

"I did." Leo nodded.

Jed sighed, and leaned back in his chair.

"Donna said he's been either snapping at her over the smallest thing or staring off into space." Leo continued, softly. "Sir, I really do think this is an issue."

"You're not overreacting?" Jed questioned, but he already knew the answer. Leo didn't overreact about this sort of thing. He just needed to ask, hoping there might be some chance of it.

"No, Sir." He shook his head. "He came in this morning and his hand was bandaged."

"Why?"

"He said a glass broke when he put it down..."

"You don't believe him?"

"No, Sir."

"What do you think happened then?" He pushed himself to his feet, starting to pace a little. How did he not notice this like everyone else had? How did he not notice something was wrong yesterday?

"Frankly, Sir...I'm a little afraid to think about that answer." Leo whispered, swallowing a lump in his throat.

Jed's head snapped up to look at him.

"God, Leo...You don't think he tried to..." His voice trailed off, not being able to finish the sentence.

"I don't know."

There was silence in the office as both men thought it over. Jed couldn't believe how he completely missed this. Since the shooting, he himself had a few nightmares about that night and there were times when they were out in public that he would get a little nervous, but after a few weeks it had stopped. He knew what Josh had suffered was much worse then his own injuries but still...He should have noticed...He should have understood.

Leo had always been close to Josh and a lot of the time, he knew what the younger man was thinking. He should have realised there was something wrong, a few weeks back when he stopped being able to read him. He'd never be able to forgive himself if he let something happen to Josh.

"I've called someone in from ATVA." Leo broke the silence. "He's going to sit with Josh..."

"Okay." Jed nodded quietly.

"He said he wanted to talk to some of his friends."

"Does he want to talk to me?"

"Maybe, if you're willing to..."

"I want to help." Jed stated.

"Yes, Sir." Leo nodded. "We all do."

"Okay, good." Jed moved back to his chair and sat down. "Was there anything else?"

"No, Sir. Thank you." Leo moved to head for his office.

"Leo?"

"Sir?" He turned back to him.

"We are going to be able to help him, aren't we?" He asked in a quiet voice.

"Sir, the worse night of my life was stood in that hospital watching as they operated on someone I consider as a son..." Leo started, his voice shaking a little with emotion.

Jed stayed silent, waiting for him to continue. He had known Leo for a long time but he had never really talked to him about his feelings and he was afraid if he spoke, he'd stop.

"I thought we were going to lose him, that night..." He took a breath, steadying his voice. "I'll be damned if we lose him now."

"He'll be fine." Jed assured him, gaining confidence. They were a good team, like a family. With everyone's help, they'd be able to get Josh through this.

"Yes, Sir...He's got no choice but to be." Leo replied, determined to get Josh the help he needed to get the old Josh back again.

**The End**

**Thinking of continuing this with everyone talking to Stanley but not sure yet! Please review and let me know what you think!! Thanks!! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, this is set during the episode 'Noel.' The time-line might be off from the actual storyline, so sorry if it is. Please review and let me know what you think!! **

**Enjoy**

**Never Used To Like Him**

"Good morning, I'm Doctor. Keyworth." He stood up when the door opened and Toby walked into the room.

Toby looked at him for a moment, before stepping forward and holding out his hand. "Toby Ziegler."

"Why don't you take a seat," Stanley released his hand and sat back down. "So, you work here in the White House?"

"Yes, I'm the Communication's Director." Toby answered.

"Right," Stanley nodded, writing some notes. "And you know Leo McGarry called me and asked me to visit."

"Yes."

"How long have you known, Josh Lyman?"

Toby sighed and rubbed his forehead. "Since he started working for the 'Bartlet For America' campaign, three years ago."

"You didn't know him before?"

"No."

"Not at all?" Stanley questioned. "He just turned up?"

"Well, I heard a little about him...I knew he was working for Hoynes campaign."

"He switched campaigns?"

"It appears that way."

"Why?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Why did he switch campaigns?" Stanley repeated. "As I remember John Hoynes was the favourite to win..."

"Jed Bartlet was the right man for the job...Josh saw that."

"So, one day he turned up and asked for a job?"

Toby leaned against the table on his elbows. He hated talking to therapists and this wasn't even about him. This was about Josh.

"Leo knew him...He asked him to come and listen to a speech the president was giving."

Stanley nodded and wrote some more notes down.

"At this point, how long had you been working on the campaign?"

"Since the beginning."

"Were you unhappy that suddenly Leo brought in new people to take over."

"No."

"Really?"

"Dr. Keyworth, how can this possibly have anything to do with what's been going on?" Toby exclaimed, slightly.

"I'm trying to get an understanding on the background of your relationships." Stanley answered. "Were you unhappy about Josh joining the campaign that you had been a part of from the beginning?"

"I've already said no..."

"And I wasn't happy with that answer."

"We weren't winning..." Toby sighed and leaned back in his chair, folding his arms across his chest. "Leo knew we weren't going to win with the team he had... He made the changes that needed to be made and brought in the people that were needed to win."

Stanley nodded. "You said Leo knew Josh?"

"Yeah, he was friends with his father."

"So, the two of them are close."

"I suppose."

"And that didn't bug you?"

"To tell you the truth I was just trying to keep my job!" Toby snapped. "I had seen Leo fire everyone else other then me...He brought this wonder kid in from the Hoynes campaign...I had to prove I could keep up."

Stanley paused for a moment and they sat in silence.

"Josh was the wonder kid?"

"I didn't mean anything..."

"Toby, did it bug you that Leo had a close relationship with Josh?"

"I didn't need a father figure!"

"I didn't ask you that."

Toby leaned forwards once more, rubbing his hands over his face and then sitting back.

"I never used to like him..." He started. "When Josh first arrived...I didn't like him."

"Why?"

"I didn't trust him...I didn't think he wasn't loyal...I mean, he just abandoned the Hoynes campaign... None of us other then Sam knew anything about him..." Toby informed him. "It had nothing to do with Leo..."

"Sam Seaborn?" Stanley questioned.

"Yeah, Josh and him were friends...Josh brought him onto the campaign."

"Sam's your deputy, right?"

"Yeah."

"Did you have the same problems with Sam as you did with Josh."

"At the start..." Toby answered. "The thing about Sam... And if you tell him I said this, I'll deny it... is that it's very hard not to like him."

Stanley smiled slightly. "Well, obviously something changed between Josh and you...I mean, you get on okay, now right?"

"Yeah." He shrugged. "It didn't take long to get past it."

"What happened?"

"Nothing special...We just had a staff meeting...Bartlet was still having trouble remembering our names and didn't really seem enthusiastic about it all... C.J and Sam kept going on about some quote that we should be responding too...Josh nor I didn't think it was a problem...So when they went off to talk to Leo about it...Josh suggested we sneak out to the bar down the road for a drink."

"You bonded over a drink?"

"Over several drinks." Toby corrected. "Let me tell you, it's no fun trying to get a man, who doesn't believe himself elected President when you're hungover."

Stanley let out a small laugh. "So, you bonded over drinks and a hangover...And since then you two have had no problems?"

"He still annoys the hell out of me." Toby answered defensively.

Once again Stanley paused. "You found him...After he was shot?"

Toby visibly tensed. "Yes."

"Tell me about that night."

"Doctor, I'm sure there's some good reason behind these questions, but I've been here over an hour now and we haven't even got to what's been happening over the past 3 weeks."

"You can call me, Stanley, y'know."

"Stanley..."

"Yes." He cut him off. "There is a good reason behind these questions."

Toby glanced down at the floor for a few seconds before back up at him.

"We left the building... I was walking behind C.J and Sam...Leo was behind me...I assumed Josh was with him...That's when the shooting started...People started panicking and I was pushed and fell to the floor..." Toby explained quietly, staring into his empty coffee cup. "I froze and just watched everything...The President's car was already speeding off, followed by Zoey's...I saw Sam and CJ on the floor..."

"What happened next?"

"A few minutes after it had stopped...Leo called my cell phone." He told him. "He wanted to know if everyone was okay... I could see Sam walking over to C.J...She hit her head but she looked fine...Charlie was walking around, trying to help..."

"What about Josh?"

He rubbed his eyes again. "He...He asked me about Josh...I said, I thought he was in the car with him but he said Shanahan was with him."

"Josh was meant to be in the car with Leo?"

"Yeah...That's when I realised I didn't know where he was."

"You couldn't see him?"

"No."

"Were you worried he was hurt?"

"Yes." He answered simply, his eyes flicking up at Stanley before back down.

"You assumed the worst?" He asked and Toby nodded silently. "Why?"

"Because it's Josh."

"What does that mean?" Stanley frowned.

"If something bad is going to happen to anyone...It's normally always Josh." Toby explained. "He's a great guy...One of the best political minds I've ever known...and he doesn't deserve any of the stuff that has happened... but it never stops."

"What stuff has happened?"

"I don't think I'm comfortable telling you..." Toby shifted slightly. "It's not my place."

Stanley thought about his answer for a few moments before nodding. "Okay...what happened once you realised he wasn't in the car with Leo."

"I went looking for him...I shouted his name...but he didn't reply." Toby continued. He hadn't talked about this night with anyone. C.J had asked about it a few days after it had happened but it was too soon...Josh was still in hospital and there was still a possibility that there might have been complications. By the time things started to get back to normal, everyone had seemed to forget about it all. He didn't want to bring old news back up again. Besides, he really hated talking about his feelings.

"No one else was looking for him?"

"He wasn't around...Everyone assumed he was put into the car with Leo..." Toby glared at him slightly but then continued after a few moments of silence. "I saw him...sitting by a wall... I thought...When I saw him... I was so relieved...I...every concern I had disappeared...Until I reached the top of the steps."

"It must been a terrible moment."

"Yeah." He whispered, almost unheard before pushing himself to his feet, placing his hands on his hips and paced a little.

Stanley watched him for a few seconds, leaning forwards and placing his notebook and pen on the table.

"You don't like talking about this, do you?"

Toby glanced at him quickly but continued to pace, moving towards the window. "Not really, no."

"Is it because you don't like thinking about that night or because you don't like talking to a therapist?"

Toby let out a small laugh, leaning his hands on windowsill, staring up at the dark angry clouds above. He thought it was a good symbol for everyone's mood. Nothing had been the same since the shooting. Everyone tried to act like they had before that night and everyone did what they needed to do but it wasn't the same.

Toby had noticed how C.J was a little nicer to Josh. He noticed how whenever they would leave a building, Sam would look around, trying to locate where everyone was before he breathed easy. He noticed how Donna was a little more protective over Josh. He noticed how Leo would watch his deputy closely for ages.

Most of all, he noticed how Josh would close himself off from everyone around him. He noticed how slowly and day-by-day Josh found it harder to deal with.

"Toby?" Stanley promoted when he got no answer.

Toby pushed himself away from the window and turned back to him. "Yeah, I don't like talking to anyone."

"Not even your friends?"

Toby threw himself back down in his chair and gave the doctor a frustrated look. "This isn't about me. This is about Josh... Can't we just get this over with?"

"Okay, you can't even talk to Josh about this?"

The comment caused Toby to break the stare. "He has enough to deal with."

"Don't you think it might help for Josh to know that you're going through the same things that he is?"

"It's not the same..." He mumbled.

"Well..."

"It's not the same!" Toby repeated, raising his voice slightly. "I wasn't the one that had a bullet collapse my lung or damage a major artery! I wasn't the one that everyone forgot about!"

Stanley paused for a moment. "You said everyone thought Josh was with Leo in the car."

Toby stared at him. "We did!"

"Then no one forgot about him... You were just wrong about where he was."

Toby opened his mouth to reply but found no words came out.

"Toby, do you feel guilty?"

"Why would I feel guilty?" He asked quietly, refusing to look at him.

"I don't know. You tell me."

"This...This is crazy!" Toby exclaimed, rubbing his forehead.

"You went to Leo about Josh?"

"Yes."

"What did you tell him?"

"That he's been acting weird." Toby claimed. "Well, weirder then normal."

"And on that Leo decided to call me in?"

"Leo's a smart man...He could tell something wasn't right."

"Tell me what you noticed."

"I noticed Josh acting weird."

"There must have been some specifics..."

"He obsessed over a pilot, called Robert Cano that crashed his plane."

"Obsessed?"

"Leo asked him to look into the pilot's files to get some more information about him, but before he could really do anything, the guy had crashed into a side of a mountain but Josh kept trying to find out more information."

"What did he find out?"

Toby shrugged. "I think he found out about this guys training and what missions he did..."

"He obsessed over it but only found out about his training and missions?"

"He found out Cano had been shot down over Bosnia."

"He was shot down?" Stanley questioned.

Toby nodded. "But that wasn't what he obsessing over."

"It wasn't?"

"Not really, no... More over the fact that was no more information..."

"What information was he looking for?"

Toby was silent before answering quietly. "I think...maybe... he was trying to find out a reason why he decided to kill himself."

Stanley nodded and wrote a few notes down before looking back at Toby.

"What else?"

"There was the music in the lobby." Toby told him, continuing before he could ask about it. "It was my attempt to bring some Christmas spirit into the west wing..."

"Josh didn't like it?"

"He said they were fine to start with." Toby shrugged. "But after a few weeks...I think it started to annoy him."

"Did he say so?"

"He said the bagpipes were too loud." Toby explained, but then shook his head slightly. "No, he said the sirens were to loud."

"Sirens?"

"He meant bagpipes."

"But he said sirens?"

"Yes."

"Did that concern you?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because... Because when I think of sirens...I think of the shooting." Toby stated. "That's when I talked to C.J about it and that's when I talked to Leo."

"What did Leo say?"

"He said he would talk to Josh. Try and get him to get some help."

"Well, you were right earlier when you said Leo was a smart man."

"Yeah." Toby nodded, looking at the table. "I... I didn't realise how bad..."

"I'm sorry? What was that?" Stanley stopped writing and looked at him.

Toby cleared his throat and spoke a little louder. "I didn't realise how bad it was."

"When you talked to Leo?"

"I knew...I knew he was struggling...I knew it was bad...I had watched him everyday getting worse...But... I didn't know it was this bad."

"When did you realise it was this bad?"

"When Sam told me he shouted at the President."

"Right."

"I mean, that's not Josh at all...He has a big mouth...It gets him into trouble sometimes...But he'd never shout at the President... He has way too much respect for him...And Sam said Leo tried to stop him but he kept going..." Toby rambled slightly. "I'm just saying that...That guy in the Oval...Wasn't Josh."

"Have you talked to Josh about it at all?"

"He... He hasn't been around really... Not since the Christmas party...I tired to talk to him after Yo-Yo Ma finished his performance but he just walked away."

"What were you going to talk to him about?"

"During the performance... He..."

"He was what?" He asked when Toby trailed off.

"It was like he was having a panic attack." He answered quietly. "I wanted to help him...But if I had done, people would have noticed... It would have been made into a big thing...And besides, after few minutes... It seemed like it was over...He looked pale and everything but...But he had stopped clutching his chest."

"His chest?"

"Like the way he did when I found him leaning against that wall."

"So, you tried to talk to him afterwards but he just walked away."

"I called his name but he didn't stop or anything...He kept walking...I could catch up with him."

"And you have seen him since?"

"Donna's keeping his office well guarded."

"Donna's his assistant, right?"

"Yeah."

"And she's not letting anyone into see him?"

"I think something happened after the party."

"Why?"

"He's cut his hand."

"How?"

"He said a glass broke when he put it down."

"You don't believe him?"

Toby shrugged. "Not after seeing the way he was acting at the party."

Stanley wrote a few more notes down before turning back to Toby.

"Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?"

Toby thought for a moment. "What does it mean when I dream about coming to work naked?"

Stanley smirked and stood up. "I'm guessing that's a hint that you've had enough for one day."

Toby grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair and got to his feet too.

"It was good talking to you."

"For you maybe." Toby mumbled, shaking the doctor's hand.

"Toby?" Stanley called after him just he reached the door.

"What?"

"I'm here to help figure out what's going on with Josh, but I can't help him without you and all of his other friends." He told him. "And you can't help until you've talked about it yourself..."

"What was I doing for the last 3 hours?"

"I meant to your friends... Whether you're going to admit it or not... You're feeling guilty about something that happened that night but you don't know what? You're not the only one... Talk to them... It will help."

Toby just looked at him before silently, turning and leaving the room, deep in thought.

**TBC**

**Please review!!! **


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm sorry I'm late." C.J burst into the room.

"Miss Cregg?" Stanley stood up to greet her.

"C.J." She corrected him, shaking his hand.

"C.J, right..." He gave her small smile. "I'm Dr Keyworth..Or Stanley."

"It's nice to meet you."

"You know why I'm here?" He asked, as they both sat down.

"Yeah." She nodded.

"You're the White House's Press Secretary?"

"Yes."

"And you worked on the campaign to get President Bartlet elected?"

"Yeah."

"Was that when you first met Josh Lyman?"

"Yeah, I knew Toby Ziegler for years and he come and told me that Leo McGarry wanted me to the join the campaign...Leo had also brought Josh in and Josh brought Sam with him." She explained.

Stanley nodded. "You all must have worked closely."

"I guess..." She said slowly, watching him carefully trying to work out just what he meant by that.

Stanley guessed what she was thinking and laughed lightly. "I just meant that if you'd work closely with each other for so long then you'd noticed when one of them isn't acting like themselves."

"Oh. Well, yes." She agreed. "This isn't exactly a 9 till 5 sort of job. Plus neither of us gets a lot of time to spend with our families so we all became each other families."

Stanley nodded, writing something down.

"I mean, we screaming and shout at each other... we get on each others nerves constantly...But that's what families do, right?" She looked over at him. "And I know I'd do anything for either of them if they need my help."

"Good." Stanley leaned back in his chair, already realising that C.J would be a much easier person to talk to then Toby was. "You think Josh needs some help?"

"Yeah." She replied straight away.

"Can you tell me about the night of the shooting?"

She paused, taking a deep breath. "Well, it's all a little hazy..."

"Tell me what you can." He shrugged.

"I remember feeling great after the President's speech...I remember walking out with Sam, who was going on about something the President had said...He was pretty excited too..." C.J told him. "Then I heard someone shout 'gun'...I wasn't who it was at the time but now I know it was Gina...Zoey Bartlet's Secrete service agent."

"Then what?"

"I don't know...Everything just seemed to stop..." She said quietly, her voice trailing off for a moment before she continued. "Then I was on the floor...and it was all over."

"You got pushed down?"

"Sam pushed me down..." She told him. "I didn't know until afterwards..."

"What happened after that?"

"A paramedic helped me up and looked at my head where I had hit it... Then he went and Sam came over...He asked me if I was all right...he told me that The President and Zoey where on there way back to the White house and that Leo had just got into a car."

"You didn't know about the President being shot at that point?"

"No, we didn't know until later..." She shook her head. "At that point I was the only one injured. Sam had spoken to Charlie and Toby."

"Not Josh?"

"Toby told him, he was in the car with Leo."

"But he wasn't..."

"He was meant to be in the car with Leo." C.J stated. "But... I guess he was too far behind us..."

"Toby told Sam?"

"He was meant to be in the car... Toby probably just assumed... I mean, we all assumed he was..." C.J stuttered slightly. "Then we heard Toby shouting for help...I saw someone falling towards the floor... Sam and I went to help...and I was terrified about who it was going to be..."

"Who did you think it was?"

"I don't know..I must have taken 10 seconds to get from where we were to the top of the steps... but it seemed so much longer.. Long enough to do a mental check on where everyone... The President and Zoey were heading back to the White House...Leo and Josh were in a car... I couldn't remember seeing Charlie... I saw Larry but not Ed... Then... then we got there...and Josh was lying there..."

Stanley reminded silent as C.J stared ahead, thinking about the night at Rosslyn.

"He wasn't meant to be there... I did a check...He was in the car with Leo...and then...then I got to the top of the steps...and he...he was just led there...with blood... that's what I couldn't get...the amount of blood..." She turned her gaze to him. "I thought..."

"C.J?" He prompted when her voice had trailed off.

"I thought...I thought we were too late... I thought he was already dead..." Tears burned in her eyes and her hands gripped tightly onto the chair's armrests, trying to prevent them from sliding down her face.

"We can take a break if you need a minutes." Stanley offered, softly.

"No..." She shook her head and closed her eyes, getting some control over her emotions. "No...I'm fine..."

"Okay..." He looked down at his notes. "You all assumed he was with Leo in the car?"

"He was meant to be..." C.J replied. "But..."

"But what?" 

"I should have known..."

"Known what?"

"That he wasn't in the car..."

"Well, you said yourself he was meant to be..." Stanley replied. "Everything must have happened so quickly that night... Like you said... he was probably just to far behind...The secrete service couldn't have waited, they had to get Leo out of there..."

"He probably wouldn't have got into that car even if he had been walking right beside Leo." She mumbled, shaking her head slightly.

She had thought a lot about the reason why Josh wasn't put into a car and one of the explanations that she could come up with was that he didn't want to get into the car. She had been thinking back to when he had felt so guilty about being the only one that was given a card in case of a nuclear attack. She remembered how sweet he had been about it... She remembered asking him the next day if he was okay now because he seemed a lot happier. She remembered him telling her he had given the card back. She remembered slapping around the back of the head for being stupid.

Now, that was all she could think about. What if he had chosen to stay? She had wanted to ask him whether or not he did but she didn't know how.

"Why wouldn't he get in the car?"

"Because it's Josh."

Stanley looked at her for a moment. "Y'know, Toby said that as well. I didn't quite understand it."

C.J sighed. "Josh, he's... he's probably one of the loyal person I know...He'd do anything for someone he cares about and if he can't then he'd feel guilty even if he had no control over it..."

"And you're thinking that he refused to get in the car that because he wanted to help his friends?"

C.J shrugged. "It's possible."

"Have you asked him about it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't know..."

"I think you do."

She stayed silent, looking down at her hands.

"C.J?"

"Toby feels guilty because he didn't find him sooner...Sam and I feel guilty because we didn't even look for him...Leo feels guilty because he didn't make the secret service find him before they left...Charlie feels guilty because he was meant to be the target..." She took a deep breath, her voice shaking slightly. "We all have our reasons...We all feel guilty...How do you think we'd feel if we find out he stayed because of us...That he had the chance to get into a car but he didn't... it would be because of us..."

"You scared of what his answer will be?"

C.J looked up at him, her mind racing trying to find the right words to say. She did this for a living, why was it so hard?

"I'd be so mad at him..." She finally said quietly. "If I ever find out that he put himself in that situation when he didn't need to be...I'd be so mad...There are times when he just doesn't understand..."

"Understand what?"

"Just...just how important he is...I mean, to Sam, Toby and myself... he's our best friend...Leo sees him as a son... So does the President...None of us would want him to get hurt...but its not just that...To this administration... I don't know if we could do this without him here." She told him. "We all moan about his ego and he can be big headed sometimes but I don't think he gets that he's more important to the President then the rest of us."

"It sounds like he cares about you all."

"Yeah, sometimes with this job you got to put what's best for the administration first...None of us could take his place...No one could." C.J shook her head slightly. "The President choose Leo to be his Chief of Staff because he can trust him with his life... It's the exact same reason why Leo choose Josh to be his deputy. If Leo needs some advice on something, he'll go to Josh..."

"Doesn't that bother you?"

"No, they've known each other for years...It works." She shrugged. "Besides, its not just Leo...The rest of us trust Josh... If we need anything that we can't go to Leo or the President for, we know we can go to Josh..."

"He sounds like the perfect guy for the job." Stanley commented.

"He is...That's why we need your help so we can help him."

He nodded. "When did you first notice him acting different."

"He's first day back..." She answered. "But I expected that...I mean, the guy's just been shot..."

"What was different?" 

"Just...I don't know... he was quiet, I guess... a little withdrawn." She replied. "It seemed weird because all the time he was off recovering, he kept going on about coming back...and then when he did...I don't know, it just wasn't the same."

"Did any of that change?"

"Yeah, after about a week, it seemed that things were getting back to normal...There were moments when something related to the shooting would come up and you could tell he was thinking about it...but like I said, we all expected that... and it wasn't just effecting him...we all thought about it."

"Okay, when did you start being concerned about him to think he needed some help?"

"I guess when all that stuff with the pilot happened...He just seemed to get obsessed with it all..." She replied. "And he was shouting at people for no reason."

"Did he shout at you?"

"A little, not as much as Sam and Donna."

"Why do you think he shouted at them?"

"Probably because he had noticed how bad it had got and they told him he needed to talk to someone."

"He didn't think they were right?"

C.J smiled a little. "Josh doesn't like being told what to do."

"Well, I can see my meeting with him is going to be interesting."

"He's a good guy, Dr Keyworth." C.J told him. "He's... he's just been through so much in his life...I just don't think he can beat this on his own."

"That's why you called me in." He replied. "I'm going to try and give him all the help he needs and that also means getting you all help him too."

"I'm sure you won't have any problems there." She smiled.

He returned the smile. "I guess, that's all I need to know..Unless there's anything else you can think of?"

"No, expect...y'know just help him...and thank you."

He nodded. "Don't thank me, yet...besides it's my job."

"Well, okay." She stood up, shaking his hand. "It was nice meeting you."

"You too." He stood up also.

C.J slowly made her way back to her office, relieved that it was 10.20pm that most people had gone home. She sat down behind her desk, sighing when there was a knock on her door.

"Yeah?" She called out.

Toby walked in, silently holding up a bottle of scotch and two glasses.

"You read my mind..." She stood up and walked around her desk to the couch, sitting down beside Toby.

"You talk to Dr Keyworth?" He asked.

"Yeah."

"It go okay?"

"I suppose." She shrugged. "As okay as it could be."

Toby nodded and poured out the scotch then handing her a glass.

"I just hope he can help him."

"He will." Toby stated.

"I really hope so, Toby because with all the other stuff Josh has been through... I don't know how much more he can take."

"C.J..."

"What with his hand..."

"He cut it putting down a glass..." He cut her off. 

"Oh come on, Toby..." She gave him a look of disbelief.

"He cut it putting down a glass..Until he tells us otherwise, then that's what happened." Toby told her. "We can't think like that, C.J...It would be like giving up on him... And we can't!"

"I know but..."

"No buts... He's going to be just fine...Stanley will talk to him..and everything around here will get back to normal."

She sighed. "I really hope your right."

"I am." He insisted, glancing up at her before down into his glass, trying to push his own doubts aside.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys, sorry about the wait for the update! Thank you all so much for the reviews! Please keep them coming! Thanks!**

**Enjoy!!! **

**I'm A Writer **

Sam paused when he reached the closed door, his hand resting on the handle. Part of him wanted to walk straight in there with all the confidence in the world, whilst the other part of him willed him to run away.

His decision was taken away from him when the door suddenly opened.

"Mr Seaborn?" Stanley asked, a little startled to see him standing there.

"Yes." Sam answered, before he gave himself the chance to say no and walk away.

"Ah good...I was just coming to see if you had been held up." Stanley walked back fully into the room, turning around to see Sam still in the doorway. "You are Sam Seaborn, right?"

"Yeah." He said again, a little quieter, suddenly deep in thought.

"Are you okay?"

"What?" Sam's head snapped up to look at him.

"Are you okay?" He repeated. "Would you like to take a seat?"

Sam stared at the chair that Stanley was pointing at.

"Sam?"

"Right, yes...Sorry..." He stuttered, finally stepping into the room and slowly closed the door.

"I'm Stanley Keyworth." He held his hand out to him once they were both seated.

"You're a doctor?" Sam asked, shaking his hand.

"So I've been told." He joked, but continued when Sam failed to smile. "You know why I'm here?"

"I guess..."

"You guess?" He repeated. "Either you do or you don't."

"You're here about Josh." Sam replied.

"Right." He agreed. "You know that Leo McGarry called me here to help him?"

"Yes, he told me that."

Stanley looked at him for a moment. "You don't think I can help Josh?"

Sam shrugged. "I didn't say that."

He was quiet for a moment, before deciding to move on.

"You've known Josh for a long time?"

"Yes."

"He brought you onto the campaign?"

"Yeah."

"I've get the feeling you don't want to be here."

"I don't."

"You don't want to help Josh?"

"Of course I do." Sam glared at him.

"You just don't think all this is going to help." Stanley predicted.

"You don't know Josh." He said quietly, looking down.

"That's why I'm meeting with you and everyone else, so you can tell me about him." Stanley told him. "So, why don't you start by telling me why this is such a bad idea."

Sam looked up again. "I didn't say it was a bad idea."

"You know what's weird?" Stanley asked.

"These painting over there?" Sam answered, shifting a little in his seat.

Stanley smiled briefly. "No, it's weird what Leo told me."

Sam looked at him curiously. "What was that?"

"Well, he sort of gave me some advice on how to approach you all." Stanley told him. "He said that when I talk to Josh, he would try his best to avoid answering my questions... He said C.J Cregg would be very open about it all...That Toby Ziegler would hate it and would be the hardest one out of you all to talk to...He said you would be the easiest... I'd have no problems with you."

Sam stayed silent and turned his eyes back down to the table.

"So, I want to know why he got that wrong? I want to know why you don't want to talk to me." Stanley asked continuing when Sam still didn't answer. "You've known Josh the longest..."

"Leo's known Josh the longest." Sam corrected.

"What are you worried about Sam?" Stanley ignored his comment.

"Other then the obvious?"

"You worried about wasting your time?" Stanley baited.

Sam glared at him once again. "No!"

"You work for the President of the United States...You must have a lot of important things to do." He continued.

"Alright, fine!" Sam suddenly cut him off. "This is completely the wrong way of doing this and no one else seems to have realised that!"

"How do you mean?"

"He's been through so much and this job means the world to him. If for a second he thought that the rest of us doubt him, then I don't know what he's going to do!"

"Why would he think you doubt him?"

"Because we're talking about him to a professional about something he believes he should be over."

"You think he believes he's over the shooting?"

'No, I think he believes that he should be over it by now." Sam told him. "And the fact that he's not is driving him crazy, which is why he's kept it to himself."

Stanley nodded and wrote some things down. "I agree."

Sam was a little taken aback by his answer. He ran his hand through his hair.

"It's just...He's so..." He sighed and looked over at Stanley before whispering. "If he thinks that we doubt him...It's going to hurt him...And then he'll start pushing us all away...Then what will happen to him?"

"I don't know, Sam." Stanley told him. "But he needs help..."

"Yeah, I was just saying we shouldn't rush into anything."

"He agreed to sit with me."

"Does he know about the rest of us?"

Stanley shrugged. "I don't know."

Sam leaned back in his chair, deep in thought once more. He wished he had tried harder to talk to Josh. He had noticed that he hadn't completely recovered, but that didn't really concern him. Actually, he was a little surprise at how well he had been doing. He had returned back to work as soon as the doctor, Leo and Donna had allowed him. To start with, his days were short at the insistence of The President and Donna and C.J enforced the rules. Donna and C.J were scary on their own, let alone teaming them up...He didn't envy Josh. Then after a few weeks, he was back doing his normal job and people started to move on.

Sam knew that the people closest to him were still dealing with it everyday. Although, he hadn't said anything, it was Toby that he had been worried about. He was the one that blamed himself for everything.

"He really had me convinced." Sam whispered.

"What?"

"Josh, I really thought..." He stopped and shook his head slightly, trying to clear his thoughts. "He was doing great."

"When did you realise something was wrong?"

Sam shrugged. "I don't know...I thought... People told me that he had been shouting at everyone and been acting weird...I just...I never thought it was anything like this."

"What did you think was going on?"

"I thought they were overreacting." He stated. "I thought he was stressed with work and they were concerned..."

"You were in the Oval Office when Josh shouted at the President?"

Sam looked up quickly, surprised that Stanley even knew about that, but continued anyway.

"Yeah, it was my meeting."

"Why did he shout?"

"Because the President wanted to meet with someone and Josh thought it was a bad idea."

"Was it?"

"No."

"Then why did Josh think it was?"

"He didn't."

"But you just said..."

"Yeah but he didn't really." Sam told him. "I mean, he said it was...But it was just...Well, I don't think he knew what he was saying...I don't think he realised he was in there with the President...I don't think he knew he was shouting...He was just...He was trying to get heard."

Stanley nodded a little before deciding to move on.

"Can you tell me about the night at Rosslyn?"

"What about it?" Sam asked, looking right at him. He was used to this. Almost every interview he had since that night, people asked about it.

"What happened?"

"Someone shot at us."

"I know that, but tell me what happened to you when you left the building."

He sighed. "I was walking with C.J when I saw the President talking to the crowd, we stopped and I looked around."

"What for?"

"It... It's just something I remember doing...I saw Leo and Toby...And Zoey and Charlie, they had an argument earlier that day but seemed to have made up..."

"Why did you remember that?"

Sam looked down at his hands. "I remember thinking it was weird that I couldn't see Josh... Then... Then the shooting started."

"Then what?"

"My first thought was that I had to get to the ground and take cover... Then I noticed C.J just standing there...So, I dived on to the floor, taking her with me."

Stanley nodded once more.

"When it stopped, I got up to go and look for the others..." He continued. "I saw Toby first...He said, The President and Zoey were heading back to the White House..."

"Did you ask about the others?"

"Yeah...He said Secret Service would have put Josh and Leo into a car." He replied quietly. "They should have."

"You need a minute?"

"No, I'm fine." He picked up a glass of water, taking a sip. He just needed to get through this quickly and it'll be okay. "I went back to check on C.J, she'd hit her head but was okay...I told her everyone was okay...Then we heard Toby calling for help...I saw him catching someone as they fell to the floor and...I knew then."

"Knew what?"

"I knew it was Josh...I knew something had happened to him."

Stanley frowned. "You said you thought he was in the car."

Sam shook his head slightly. "I never thought he'd willingly leave...I knew as soon as Toby shouted...I realised how crazy I had been thinking Josh would have gotten into a car."

Stanley wrote that comment down. C.J had said something similar and he compared it to what Toby told him about bad things always happening to Josh. He assumed that Sam wouldn't go into any more detail about it like Toby and C.J, so decided Leo would probably be the best person to talk to.

"He wasn't awake when C.J and I reached them." Sam continued. "It seemed to take ages to get to them...I ran... Watching as Toby dropped to the floor to try and stop him from hitting his head on the sidewalk..."

Stanley looked up from his notes but stayed silent.

Sam let out a small laugh. "A bang to his head would have been the least of his worries."

"What happened when you reached them?" Stanley questioned.

"C.J asked what happened... Toby glared at her...Josh lay there unconscious, in a pool of his own blood."

Sam didn't wait for Stanley to reply before he continued.

"She kept muttering something about it being impossible...And Toby was shouting at anyone near by..."

"Why?"

"Toby likes to shout." Sam told him then sighed. "We didn't know what to do...We didn't know how to help him...He...He was just lying there...No one seemed to know what to do... No one helped."

"What were you doing?" He asked.

"I...I sat next to him...And I talked to him...I told him to get up..." Sam admitted. "The more...The more I talked...The more he seemed to respond... so I kept talking..."

"What about."

"I don't know really...Nothing important...Just stuff...Like how we met...How he got me onto the Bartlet campaign..." Sam replied. "I mean, I don't even know how he convinced me really... Bartlet was the dark horse...There was no way he could've won."

"But you still joined the team? Even though you didn't think he'd win."

"I trusted Josh...He told me he found the real thing and that he would win...That was enough..." Sam claimed. "And that's what I told him on the way to the hospital... I thanked him for coming to see me before going to New Hampshire...I guess, he got a little confused... He kept trying to get up and he kept talking about going to the meeting in New Hampshire."

"He must have been in a lot of pain... It couldn't have been an easy thing to see."

"No...But...It...It was worse waiting...At least when I was there holding his hand, talking about how we ran down the corridors of Gage Whitney and out into the rain...I knew he was still with us...I know he was still breathing... They took him into surgery and told us to prepare ourselves for the worst." Sam looked up at him. "How the hell are we meant to be prepare ourselves for that?!"

Stanley didn't say anything, knowing Sam didn't need or want an answer. He decided it would probably be a good idea to give Sam a break. He stood up and walked towards the door, glancing back at the Deputy Communication Director, realising he hadn't noticed he had even left his chair. He quietly left the room, in search for coffee.

When Sam looked up and saw that he was alone, he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket... It was creased and torn a little from being screwed up so many times.

He slowly opened it, barley recognising his own handwriting. He couldn't even remember what he was thinking when he wrote it, let alone remember why had started to write it.

"I got you coffee..." Stanley announced walking back into the room.

"Great." Sam replied, folding the paper again.

"What's that?" He asked, handing him a cup.

"A letter..." Was Sam's answer, sipping his coffee before sighing. "A letter to Josh...A...A goodbye letter..."

"Oh..."

"I...I wrote it whilst he was in surgery...I don't know why...If...If he had ...You know...I don't know what I would have done with it... I just...I didn't know what else to do...I'm a writer...I write."

"Why are you carrying it around with you?"

"I was going to give it to him."

"Why haven't you?"

"Hasn't been a good time." Sam shrugged. "I went to his apartment after Yo Yo Ma's performance to give it to him then...But...I couldn't."

"You went to his apartment?"

"He had been acting weird during the party...I... I wanted to talk to him...To give him the letter to show him just how much he means to me and how scared I was about him not being here any more...I wanted to thank him for holding on... I wanted to tell him he was my best friend and no matter what, I was going to help him whether he liked it or not."

"What happened?"

"His super let me in...And I found him..."

"Sam?" Stanley prompted when his voice trailed off.

"I found him sat on the couch...Blood all over his arms and shirt... A...A window smashed..."

"A window?"

"He put his hand through the window..."

"He didn't break a glass?"

Sam shook his head. "He didn't want people to think he was losing it...And that he tried to...You know..."

"Yeah..." Stanley nodded slowly. "Then what?"

"I stood there..." He stopped again and looked down. "I stood there...This letter in my hand...Just watching him... My best friend... I'm a writer...I...I should have said something to make him feel better...but...I just stood there."

"Sam..."

"Then I helped the super board up the window...He didn't need my help...I mean, it's what he does...But... I needed to do something to help...I couldn't say anything to help...So, I held the board in place whilst the super banged in the nails."

"No one could blame you..." Stanley assured him. "It was a difficult situation..."

"Yeah..." Sam nodded. "I still should have said something."

"Maybe, but..."

"He got in there first though..." Sam continued. "He told me that Leo was making him talk to someone, that everything would be okay..."

"What did you say to that?"

"I said good... Then I put the letter back in my pocket...He got up and said he was going to bed...And I slept on the couch."

"Why didn't you tell anyone else that he broke the window?"

"Because they would have thought he was trying to kill himself."

"You don't know that..."

"Yeah, I do...I know, because that's what I thought..." Sam stated. "He's my best friend and I thought he was capable of doing that."

"Sam..."

"That's why this can't go... We can't mess this up...Because we could lose him... And I don't think any of us will be the same again if we did."

"I'm going to do the best I can, Sam...I promise you..."

Sam thought about it before giving a nod of agreement. "Was there anything else?"

"I think that's enough..." Stanley closed his notebook.

"Great." He replied standing up.

"Sam?"

"Hmm?"

"You should still give him the letter," he told him. "Maybe not yet but one day...You should give him the letter."

Sam didn't say anything in reply...He just wanted to get the hell out of there. He grabbed his suit jacket and headed for the door.

**TBC**

**Please review and let me know what you think!!! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey everyone, sorry it a while to get around to updating this fic! Thank you all for the reviews! Please keep them coming! I really love hearing from you!! Thanks!!! **

**Enjoy!!!**

**He Really Is A Good Guy**

Stanley stood in the door, surprised to see his next appointment already sitting calmly, waiting for him.

"Miss. Moss?" He walked fully into the room.

She jumped up from her seat, startled by his voice. "Dr. Keyworth, hi..."

"Have you been waiting long?" He asked, placing his bag on the table and removing some folders. He noticed how even though she appeared to be calm and relaxed, her eyes betrayed her, showing flashes of concern, confusion and anger.

"No, not really..." She stuttered a little over the words. "About fifteen minutes..."

Stanley glanced at his watch, realising that he was ten minutes early himself. He compared this to when he met with the others. Toby turning up right on time, C.J bursting into the room twenty minutes late and Sam stood by the door, not wanting to even be there. He realised that Donna would probably be able to give the most insight in to what's been happening.

"Can I get you some coffee or something?" She offered.

He smiled softly. "No, I'm fine thank you, why don't you take a seat."

She slowly sat back down, nervously wringing her fingers together.

"So, you're Josh's assistant?" He questioned, flipping through some pages of his notebook as he sat down.

"Uh, yeah." She cleared her voice a little. "Yes, I've been his assistant since the campaign."

"You must know him well after working so close with him for past few years then."

She nodded a little. "Yeah, I kind of have to you, y'know? There are a lot of people who are after time with him...I need to be able to read his mood and to be able to tell what he's thinking. It's my job to know what he needs even if it's before he realises it himself."

He nodded, writing something down before looking back up at her. "How about personally? Do you get on well?"

Donna smiled briefly before looking down at her hands. "He took a chance on hiring me when he had no reason to... He's taught me a lot about politics...About how this country and the world works...I spend more time with him then I do with anyone else...If we didn't get on so well, then I wouldn't be able to do it... He's become like my best friend."

"And you're concerned about him?"

"He's not himself." She claimed. "He's been shouting, a lot... And I know people will tell you that's not uncommon but it is... He shouts but rarely shouts _at _people...Never without reason... People think he's this self centred guy, but he's not...He's one of the good guys, just talk to the people who really know him and they'll tell you."

He smiled again. "Well, I have and I agree with you."

"He needs help Dr. Keyworth, but he won't let me help him." She whispered, looking him right in the eyes.

Stanley looked back for a moment before continuing. "How close is he with everyone else? Is it possible that he has talked to them?"

"I don't know...Leo maybe...But I don't think so..." She shook her head.

"What about Sam Seaborn? They've known each other for years..."

"I wouldn't want to worry him... You see, Josh has this thing with the people he cares about...He'd do anything to protect them, even if it means that he suffers himself." She explained. "He's the Deputy Chief of Staff, technically he's the 3rd person in charge, so he feels like he needs to be strong and protect the rest of the staff."

"You said he might talk to Leo?"

"Yeah, I really don't think he would...Not something like this." 

"Why not? It's my understanding that they're close."

"They are, which is why Josh probably wouldn't talk to him." She answered. "He wouldn't want to let him down. He wouldn't want to disappoint him."

Stanley nodded and didn't say anything.

"He loves this job...It's all he has...I don't... if..." She closed her eyes briefly trying to gain some control over her emotions. "I don't know what he'd do if he couldn't do it any more."

"Well, that's why I've been called in." Stanley explained. "Everyone here just wants to help him."

Donna managed a small smile. "I know but..."

He waited for her to continue but she didn't. "Why don't you tell me about the night of the shooting."

"I wasn't there."

"You weren't?"

"Josh gave me the night off..." She smiled again. "That didn't happen very often."

"So, how did you find out?"

"I was at home...My room-mate and I were getting ready to watch a movie...I was making popcorn and then she shouted for me...They said on the news there shots were fired as the President left the building."

"But at that point you didn't know Josh had been shot also?"

"No, I didn't even know about the President...They were just reporting that shots were fired." She explained. "So, I tried calling Josh's cell phone to make sure everyone was okay... I mean, I was sure the President was fine because of the secret service... They're trained for this...And well, they would have protected Leo and Josh too but Sam, C.J, Toby..."

"You were worried about them?"

"Yeah." She whispered, deep in thought, thinking of that night.

"When did you find out that Josh had been hurt?"

"After I couldn't get hold of Josh, I phoned the White House...I was waiting to talk to someone when the News reported that the President had been taken to the hospital." She told him and started to speak faster as she felt her emotions start to get the better of her. "I just had to get down there... The President... He had been hurt... I just knew I should be there... All the way there I kept thinking that if the President had got hit then any one of them could have... For all I knew, they were all dead."

Stanley watched silently as she quickly rubbed her eyes, trying to stop the tears. "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to...I'm sorry."

"It's okay." He said softly, pushing a box of tissues towards her. "Would you like some water?"

"Yeah, that would good." She nodded taking a tissue.

Stanley was only gone a few seconds and reappeared with two bottles of water, handing Donna one.

"Toby told me." She whispered, picking at the corner of the label.

"I'm sorry?" 

"When I got to the hospital, it took me ages to get in because of all the security, then I found the waiting room and everyone was there...I was so relieved." She claimed. "C.J, Toby, Sam, Charlie...They were all there and they were fine. Leo and Josh weren't there, but the President had just been shot... I assumed they were off working somewhere...It made sense."

"Then Toby told you about Josh?" He guessed.

She gave a nod. "He said Josh had been hit...I asked what with... Thinking about it now...It was a stupid question... But I couldn't understand...I thought maybe someone had punched him or something."

Stanley leaned back in his chair.

"But Toby explained, he said he had been shot and that it was critical... I just couldn't believe it...It was Josh...He wasn't supposed to get shot." She continued. "I don't really remember much after that...The doctor was talking but I don't remember what about...C.J said something about a meeting and I think that's when Charlie left..."

"Everyone must have been in shock." 

"Yeah, I don't think anyone really knew what to do." She agreed. "They all wanted to stay there but they had to work..."

"It must have been terrible."

"I went to see him during the surgery...I watched them operating...I don't remember how long I stood there. I just couldn't leave."

"What happened after the surgery?" He asked.

"He got better." She shrugged. "Day by day, he got better... It was hard work and although he didn't like it, he had to rely on people to help him...He was allowed to come back to work a little earlier then normal..."

"Do you think that was a bad idea?"

"No, he had rules...Leo and the President told him that if he was coming back, then there had to be rules - so I come up with some..." She told him. "Like not starting before nine and leaving before four...And he wasn't allowed in any stressful meetings...There were days when I had to ban Toby from even going into his office."

"Why?"

She smiled. "They get each other riled up... Sometimes it's from arguing with each other but there are times when they're on the same side and they're trying to work together."

"So, when did you think it started to get too much for him?"

Donna thought about it for a moment. "When he started to see his doctor once every six weeks instead of once a week... When Leo gave him more work to do... When he was able to walk from his office to the Oval office without needing to sit down and rest."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because up until then he had one goal...And that was to get healthy again...Once he had done that, all that was left were the psychological problems...He hadn't dealt with those at all because he was too busy concentrating on the physical problems." She explained. "No one really asked him about either... We all just saw he was getting better and we were happy about it."

"That's understandable."

"I wish I had asked sooner...I wish had noticed."

"When you did notice something was wrong...What did you do?"

"I went to Leo."

"You didn't talk to anyone else about it?"

"I talked to Sam afterwards... And a little to C.J as well."

"Why not before?"

"It had to be Leo...He was the only that would be able to get Josh to see that he needed help."

"Did you know that Toby had talked to Leo too?"

"Yeah, he told me...Toby had mentioned it before but we all thought it would pass."

"You didn't think it was that bad?"

"Josh had made a comment about not sleeping well... I assumed he was just tired." She replied. "I suggested to Sam that maybe he shouldn't be doing so much."

"What did Sam say?"

"He talked to Leo about it and he said he'd sort something out."

"What happened after that?" 

"Things started to settle down... Josh was still a bit distant, but he wasn't snapping at people...But then Leo asked him to help with the pilot...And I don't know...He just seemed to ...To break... It was like before... Except ten times worse...He wasn't just snapping at people… He was shouting...He'd hide in his office and didn't want to see anyone...Not even Sam, C.J or Toby... He just seemed to be closing himself off from everyone."

"Donna, I want to ask you something." Stanley started once she had finished. "It might be hard to answer."

"Okay..."

"Did you ever think that Josh was suicidal?"

She stared at him for a moment before quietly answering, her voice shaking a little. "I don't know...I think maybe he was confused... That he thought about it... But I don't think that he would have ever gone through with it..."

Stanley nodded and started to write some notes down.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"These kind of questions... You've asked the others as well...And you're going to ask them to Josh too?"

"Yeah."

"Why?" 

He looked up at her. "It's easier for me to know the answer before I ask Josh... I need to know so I can tell if he's holding anything back."

"What about the other stuff? The stuff that doesn't have anything to do with the shooting?"

He smiled. "It's good to know his background...It helps me to work out the best way to talk to him."

Donna thought about it before nodding slightly. "He really is a good guy, Doctor."

"I know that...That's what everyone has said." He closed his book.

"Good."

"Well, I think that's everything unless there's anything you'd like to add."

She shook her head and stood up. "Thank you."

"It was nice to meet you."

"You too." She smiled before heading for the door. Once she was on the other side, she let out a sigh of relief. She liked Stanley and she just hoped he'd be able to help Josh.

**TBC**

**Please let me know what you think :) **


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey, sorry it's taken so long update! Thank you all for the reviews! Please keep them coming!! **

**Enjoy!!**

**Because I Told Him To**

Stanley looked up when he heard someone knocking on the door and a tall red head walked in.

"Hi." Stanley looked at her.

"Hello."

"I was expecting Leo McGarry." Stanley said, after a few seconds of silence.

"Yes, I'm Margaret." She introduced herself before adding after another pause. "Leo's assistant."

"Ah right." Stanley replied. "Well, is Leo running late or can't he make it?"

"No, I am to show you to his office."

"I'm sorry?"

"He can see you now."

"In his office?" Stanley repeated.

"Yes."

"Not in here?"

"In his office." Margaret confirmed.

He studied her for a few minutes before reaching to put his belonging into his briefcase.

As they walked down the hall, he noticed it was empty, probably because it was so late. Most people would have finished their work and gone home a long time ago. That's why Leo had scheduled the meeting at this time. So no one would be around to see them talking and no one would start asking questions.

"Can I just say something?" Margaret broke the silence, causing Stanley to shoot her a sidewards glance.

"Uh, sure."

"Josh has been acting weird." She said quickly, as they continued to walk. "I mean, weirder then normal because he's not normally normal..."

"Right."

"But weird in a way that's not him." She added. "Just yesterday I was telling him about how that jerk, Gary, from the VP's office cut in front of me in the Mess and took the last banana that I wanted because I think my potassium levels have been kind of low recently..."

"Okay, I get..."

"And everyone knows there's been a shortage of bananas in this White House for the last week... It's because there was a mix up with an order, but my friend, Melinda swears it's because the President doesn't like them...That's not true, I've seen him eat them." Margaret continued, not even noticing Stanley had tried to interrupt. "Anyway, I was telling Josh all of this yesterday and when I was done, he just said 'okay' then walked away."

"Okay..." Stanley said slowly, because he couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Yes, just okay." She nodded, as they came to a stop at her desk. "Not a sarcastic comment... Not a single joke about the Vice President or his staff...Just an 'okay' and he walked away."

"Are you still talking about those bananas?"

They turned and saw Leo standing in the doorway.

"I'm just saying Josh hasn't been himself."

"Yes, well thank you Sherlock Holmes."

"I wanted to help." She defended herself. "I wasn't looking for gossip, I just know that even Donna said he's been acting weird."

"Stanley, why don't you step into my office?" He rolled his eyes, watching as Margaret sat at her computer and started to type. "Can you sort us out some coffee?"

"Of course." She reached for the phone but stopped halfway and looked up. "You're worried about him."

"What?"

"Josh... You're worried about him, so it makes me think we should all be worried about him." She stated. "That's all I was saying."

Leo stared at her for a moment, feeling a little guilty about what he said to her.

"I'll get that coffee."

Leo just gave her a small nod before turning and walking back into his office, closing the door.

"I'm sorry about that, Doctor." Leo walked around his desk to sit down. "It's good of you to be here."

"Well, you're paying Leo."

"Ah, yes that is true." He leaned back in his seat. "How did talking to the others go?"

"It was...good." Stanley tried to find the right word, but to be honest we was a little thrown by this meeting. Unlike with the other staff members, Stanley was not completely in control of this conversation.

"Yeah, I've spoken with them all about it and they seem to think it'll help." Leo replied. "Even Sam came around...He wasn't too sure before."

"Yeah, he told me."

"Josh will meet with you tomorrow." Leo informed him. "He's not convinced there's a need to meet with you, but he will do anyway."

"Why?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Why is he meeting with me if he thinks he doesn't need to."

Leo only had to think about it for a few seconds before answering. "Because I told him to."

"And do you think he needs to meet with me."

"Doctor, I wouldn't have called you here and wasted everyone's time if I didn't think it was necessary."

"Why did you decided to call me?"

"Don't you know all of this?"

Stanley sighed loudly. "Leo, I'm not here tonight to give you a report on what your staff have told me during our meetings."

"I wasn't asking for you to tell me what they said."

"Good, because I wouldn't tell you." Stanley stated. "But I will say that I do think Josh isn't the only one having trouble dealing with this."

"How do you mean?"

"Everyone feels guilty for some reason or other." Stanley claimed. "It seems to me that you've all tried to fix this by running full speed into work..."

"Dr. Keyworth..."

"You've known Josh the longest?"

"Well, yeah I was a friend of his father's, but I don't understand why that has anything to do with getting Josh the help to..."

"I'm going to tell you what I told Toby Ziegler..." Stanley leaned forward a little. "I'm here to help Josh, but I cannot do it on my own. He needs help from everyone around him."

Leo thought about it for a moment before nodding. "Okay, what do you want to know?"

"Tell me about you're relationship with Josh."

"Like I said, he is the son of an old friend." Leo replied. "He was just a kid when I first met him."

"So you'd say you're relationship is close."

"I see a lot of myself in him." Leo admitted. "And I don't want to see him go down the same roads that I did."

"Why not?" Stanley questioned. "You're life hasn't turned out badly."

Leo shook his head. "I've been to hell and back, Doctor. If Josh can learn from my mistakes then he can be a better man then I could ever be."

"How did you know his father?"

"I was a friend of someone Noah worked with." Leo started to explain, sighing quietly as he thought about the past. "I used to meet my friend sometime after work for some drinks and every now and then, Noah would come along."

"You were drinking buddies?"

"Not really, not to start off with." Leo claimed. "Noah never really drank a lot, just a beer and he would always leave early. He had a young family and wanted to see his kids before they went to bed."

"He sounds like a good father."

"He was the best...He read them bedtime stories, helped with their homework, watched Joanie in every one of her piano and dance recitals and played baseball with Josh every Saturday." Leo informed him. "He was an excellent lawyer, but his first job was always to be the best husband and father that he could."

"So maybe he would have talked to his parents or his sister if he's really struggling?"

"His Father died a few years back during the campaign to get the President elected, he had cancer." Leo said. "And Joanie..."

"His sister?" Stanley questioned when Leo trailed off but before either of them could say any more, there was a knock on the door and Margaret walked in with their coffee.

She left as quietly and as quickly as she walked in and once they were alone again, Stanley spoke first. "Joanie is Josh's sister?"

"She died...In a fire."

"Oh?"

"She was sixteen and Josh was only eight... Their parents had gone out for dinner and there was some kind of electrical problem when they tried to make popcorn... Joanie told Josh to run out of the house whilst she tried to put out the fire..."

"And she got trapped?"

"I don't think Josh has truly gotten over it." Leo said quietly, deep in thought. "He was eight years old and scared, he did what his big sister told him to, but he still feels guilty for leaving her."

Stanley wrote something down in his notebook, remembering what the others said about Josh's need to protect the people he loved.

"That's really how Noah and I become closer friends." Leo continued. "Unfortunately, after Joanie's death, he found it harder to be at home."

"He spent more time with you at the bar?"

"Yeah, he felt responsible and he didn't know how to prove to Josh that it wasn't his fault."

"So, he drank to block it out?"

"What? No, no he didn't have a problem." Leo shook his head. "No, I mean he had a few beers, a few more then he used too but I never saw him drunk."

Stanley nodded but didn't say anything.

Leo attempted a smile. "Being drunk...that was my job...Anyway, it didn't last long... about six months..."

"What? Spending time at the bar?"

"He was grieving his daughter's death and everyday it got a little easier, then he realised he had a son that needed him more then anything." Leo stated. "So he went home."

"But you remained close friends?"

"We had a lot of conversations about children and families...My wife and I were trying to have a family at the time... I guess, we formed some sort of bond... The sort of bond that never breaks."

He couldn't believe the words were coming out of his mouth. He was a pretty private guy but there was something about talking to Stanley that made him open up a little more. Maybe it was because he was tired and concerned about Josh. Maybe it was because he had seen what keeping it all inside had done to his deputy.

"Anyway, I moved to Washington not long afterwards...We tried to keep in a touch but you know how things can be...I heard that Josh was working in Washington after he finished college, so I kept an eye on him to make sure he was okay."

"You obviously care a lot about him." Stanley commented.

Leo smiled faintly, looking at the framed picture on his desk from the campaign. Sam and C.J sat either side of Josh, on a couch. He had his arms stretched across the back, behind them and all three where laughing. Toby was standing up, next to Sam, shooting an annoyed look at the camera and had only glanced up from the notebook in his hand when he was told to smile. Leo, himself was stood behind the couch, beside the President. The both of them, stood up straight and posing smartly for their photo.

"He's my Deputy..." Leo looked back up at him. "So, yeah...I do care about what happens to him."

Stanley nodded and noticed Leo returning his eyes to the photo. He flicked back through his notebook before breaking the silence.

"Some of your staff mentioned that Josh should have been put into a car by the Secret service and they suggested that he probably would have refused to leave." Stanley told him. "Do you think that has something to do with his sister."

Leo couldn't help a small smile play on his lips, he always felt so proud of his deputy whenever he thought about how he'd rather protect anyone around them rather then himself.

"I think its just who Josh is, but yeah, Joanie's death as well as his Father's might make him a little more protective."

"Tell me about the night of the shooting... Like I just said, it was mentioned that Josh should have been put into a car... Why wasn't he?"

"It's Secret Service procedure to get the President away as soon as possible and Zoey Bartlet was there but had her own detail to cover her." Leo explained. "An agent grabbed hold of me as soon as the shooting started but Josh was behind everyone."

"So, he got left behind?"

"The President was secure, Zoey was secure, I was secure and the shooters were down." Leo stated. "Whilst I was in the car on the way back, I called Toby and that's when one of the agents told me that Josh hadn't been accounted for."

"What happened next?"

"Toby had said that everyone was okay and when I asked about Josh, he said he thought he was with me... There was a lot of noise in the background... there was a lot happening and the agent said someone was searching for him just to make sure he was okay." Leo said quietly. "That when I got the call that The President was being taken to GW."

"You must have had a lot on your mind." Stanley consoled him. "There was a lot to deal with."

"I forgot about him." He sighed. "I forgot to check back with the agent to see if he was okay...It wasn't until I heard the ambulance sirens and the nurse shouting about a bullet wound that I remembered."

"That was at the hospital?"

"Yeah, Toby Sam, Charlie, and C.J came in with him...All I could see were machines, wires and blood." Leo looked up at Stanley. "But I could hear him... and..."

"And?"

Leo's eyes dropped again. "He was confused. He didn't know where he was or what was happening...I hated not being able to explain it all to him."

Stanley didn't say anything, guessing that Leo wasn't really comfortable talking like this and he didn't want to push him.

"I was lucky." Leo broke the silence. "Donna, Sam, Toby, C.J, Abbey, Charlie, Mrs. Landingham... even the President... They had all sat around that hospital waiting for news... taking turns in standing and watching the doctors operating."

"What were you doing?"

"I was here...Working." Leo told him. "The President had been shot, so had my deputy... I needed to be here... I wanted to be here."

Stanley frowned. "You didn't want to be with everyone at the hospital."

"It's not like I was avoiding the place...I had a lot of things to do here." Leo insisted. "I just meant I was a little relieved with the distraction."

"I guess that's understandable." Stanley nodded. "How has he been since?"

Leo opened his mouth but then shut it again. Stanley knew how Josh had been since the shooting and had to stop himself from snapping at the doctor, but he knew that he was just trying to get everyone's opinion on the situation.

"He had a lot of physical problems to overcome... He was a heartbeat away from death...There were concerns about permanent damage to his brain and there was also some talk about him having to use a wheelchair..."

"But none of that was a problem?"

Leo shrugged a little. "He's still in pain but as long as he takes his medication, I think it's okay...They're also keeping an eye on his blood pressure once a week."

Stanley nodded as he wrote some notes.

"He's amazed people, you know?" Leo said quietly. "He shouldn't have survived that bullet...it was... it was amazing... he came through it fighting...and now... now all of this."

"Leo, this isn't uncommon." Stanley stated. "Actually, it would take a pretty unusual person to go through what Josh has been through and come out with no problems at all."

"Well, when you meet Josh you'll see that he is a pretty unusual person." Leo replied, dryly.

Stanley laughed a little; taking a mouthful of the lukewarm coffee then leaned back in his chair. "When did you become concerned about Josh's behaviour?"

"I've been watching him...Since he's returned back to work. I know everyone has but most people were worried he'd over do it." Leo started. "That's how I noticed he wasn't acting himself."

"How do you mean?"

"I'd see him sat, staring into a space a lot...like he's deep in thought but his eyes... I don't know...They just seemed, empty." Leo struggled to explain. "I could always work out what he was thinking about, I guess it's from knowing him so long and working closely with him... You can tell by his eyes, whether he was thinking up a plan to get a bill passed or if he's thinking about his family or even if he's trying to work out what to have for lunch."

"But you couldn't work out what he was thinking about the past few weeks?"

"I guessed it was the shooting and I know Donna and Sam have both tried talking to him about it but he kept insisting he was fine."

"Did you?"

"Try talking to him about?"

"Yeah."

"I did...Once."

"What happened?"

"He said he was coping with it...That he'd get over it...I should have tried harder."

"There wasn't a lot you could do, if he didn't want to talk, Leo."

"Did you know Toby asked to take a leave of absence and that Charlie had tried to resign."

"Uh, no..."

"No one knew how to handle all of this and no one talked to each other about it...You were right, we just ran full steam into work." Leo got to his feet and walked over to the window. "Then Josh came back to work and he was quieter then normal and didn't have a lot of energy but everyone seemed happier..."

"There's a lot for everyone to overcome." Stanley said. "Not just Josh...You were all there...You all feel some kind of guilt."

"Toby came to me and said that Josh wasn't acting himself." Leo mumbled, his back to Stanley as he looked out of the window, then he turned and walked back over to the desk." I thought he'd work it out for himself."

"When did you realise that, that wasn't going to happen?" Stanley leaned forwards a little.

"When he shouted at the President...You never shout at the President..." Leo replied. "It was like... it was like he wasn't even there in the room... the words were coming from his mouth but it didn't sound like him...it was...it was chilling."

"Well, you did the right thing by convincing him to get help."

"And you think you can help him?"

Stanley smiled. "I'm going to give it my best shot and I don't see why it won't work... its manageable."

"Manageable?" Leo repeated. "You already know what's wrong with him?"

"I have an idea, yes." Stanley started to gather his stuff together.

Leo stood, watching him silently.

"I think we've covered everything I need." Stanley told him.

"Right." Leo nodded.

"I'll meet with Josh tomorrow."

"Yes." Leo walked around the desk as Stanley got to his feet. "The President... he said he's willing you talk to you if you think it's necessary."

"I don't think that's a good idea." Stanley stated, continuing when he saw Leo's questionable look. "Sam Seaborn made a good point. He was worried that Josh would think that everyone was doubting him because you're all meeting with me."

"We're just concerned about him."

"Yeah." Stanley nodded.

Leo sighed, wishing that he had thought about this before. "He had been seeing a therapist before... during the campaign after his father had died, I think it was his Mother's idea, but when we took office, he decided to stop the sessions."

"Why?"

"He thought it wouldn't look good for the President's Deputy Chief of Staff to be seeing a therapist." Leo shrugged. "That by him admitting he needs help dealing with what has happened to him would cause trouble for the President and this Administration."

"Would it?"

"Maybe."

"Would it matter?"

"Not to me...Not to the President."

"Maybe you should tell him that."

"I didn't think I had too."

Stanley didn't comment and continued to put things into his bag.

"He's scared the hell out of me twice this year, Doctor." Leo admitted, quietly. "I thought we were losing him that night... and then...then we got him back... These past few weeks... he's scared the hell out of me again."

"Maybe you should tell him that too."

Leo sighed and nodded. "Yeah."

"Well, it was helpful to talk to you, Leo."

"Thank you, Doctor." He moved towards the door to open it. "Thank you for helping."

"It's my job, Leo."

"I know but thanks."

Stanley nodded and left the office. Leo walked back over to his desk and sat down. "Margaret!"

"Yes, Sir?" She appeared.

"What's on my schedule for tomorrow?"

She stared at him. "Tomorrow?"

"Yes."

"Tomorrow as in Christmas Eve?" She checked.

"Yes, Margaret...Tomorrow, the 24th of December."

"There's nothing on the schedule." She answered. "But you're having dinner with your sister."

"Yeah...Can you call her and cancel it."

She glared at him.

"Don't start." He warned before she could say anything.

"And what shall I say is the reason behind it?" She questioned.

"Something important has come up."

Margaret was about to start her normal lecture about Leo working too hard but realised that whatever he wanted to do probably had something to do with Josh.

"Was there anything else you needed?" She asked.

"No, that's all." Leo picked up a pen and started to write. "Thank you."

Margaret gave a nod before hurrying out the room. When Leo heard the door closing, the pen dropped from his hand and fell back against the chair. Once more, his eyes moved to the photo from the campaign.

Picking it up, he stared at all the happy faces, even though Toby was glaring you could tell he was happy. He sighed and placed it back down, thinking how it was such an easier time.

**TBC**

**Please review and let me know what you think!! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey, sorry it's taken so long to update this!! Please review and let me know what you think!! Also, check out the new poll on my profile.**

**Enjoy!!**

**I Thought I Was Stronger**

Josh paced around as he waited for the President. It was Christmas Day so neither Charlie or Mrs Landingham were there but he guessed they both would probably be up in the residences, celebrating the day with the Bartlets. Leo was in his office, claiming to be catching up with paperwork and Toby had said something about coming to work like any other day but Josh hadn't seen him yet. Leo had offered to be in the room when he had this conversation with the President and Josh guessed that's the real behind him being here. Even though Josh had turned him down, saying he needed to do this himself, he knew Leo would be there just in case he changed his mind. Otherwise, work or not, Leo wouldn't be no where near the White House on Christmas in fear of being dragged to the Residences for an impromptu trivia quiz on Saint Nick. There was nothing more that the President loved then having his family and friends around him during the holidays which was the reason Josh didn't have any problems with having this conversation alone with him. It was the same reason why Charlie, Mrs Landingham and probably Leo would be spending Christmas with the Bartlets. It was because the President didn't see the people who worked for him as his staff.. he saw them as his extended family but that what made Josh nervous about this meeting.

Like the time when he was 17 years old and was trying to impress some girl and ended up crashing his Dad's Mercedes or when he decided to go to into Politics instead of working for his father's firm.

He was nervous about telling the President about PTSD because he felt like he was letting someone he looked up and admired down. He didn't want to disappoint the President, just like he had never wanted to disappoint his Father.

"Josh?" 

He turned and saw the President stood in the doorway of the Oval Office, wearing casual clothes.

"Good Afternoon, Mr President." Josh walked a little towards him. "I'm sorry to interrupt your day."

"Oh, it's no problem," he assured him as he lead him into the office. "Liz is busy playing with the kids and their new toys...Zoey is spending some time with Charlie...Ellie is doing some research for something and Abbey is busy fussing over them all... If I wasn't here, I'd be falling asleep in front of some cheesy Christmas movie."

Josh smiled slightly. "Isn't that what Christmas is about?"

"I guess." Jed returned the smile. "Anyway, Leo said you'd like to talk to me about something?"

"Uh, yeah...I did... I do but I feel bad about interrupting your day...it can wait until tomorrow if..." 

"Josh?" Jed cut him off. "It's okay."

"Yes, Sir...I'm sorry..." He sighed and ran a hand over his face, trying to control his nervous.

"If you'd prefer, we could always go for a walk," Jed suggested, wondering if he'd be able to relax more if they weren't in the Oval office.

"No, Sir...it's fine..." Josh told him. "I'm sorry, I just haven't had a whole lot of sleep lately."

Jed sat down and gestured for him to sit opposite him. "So, Leo tells me you meet with someone from ATVA yesterday?"

"Yes, Sir...I uh...we talked about the shooting and about after..." Josh said quietly, looking down his hands before up him. "He thinks I may have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder."

He nodded a little, not surprised. He had spoken to Leo before Josh had sat down with Dr Keyworth and Leo had expected PTSD.

"How are you doing?" Jed asked softly.

Josh frowned a little by the questioned. "Uh, I'm fine, Sir...or I will be but..." 

"I always walk a little closer to the Secret Service now," Jed informed him, stopping him from continuing. "I have nightmares most night after we've been some place, where there's been a big crowd..."

"Mr President, I don't understand..."

"We were shot at, Josh," he stated. "Someone decided they hated Charlie so much that they tried to kill him, even though they've never met him before and they didn't care about anyone else that might get hurt."

Josh stayed quiet, listening to the President. He had never talked to him about that night, even though he probably would have some kind of understanding of what he was going through.

"When I think of that night... I think about how close we came to lose someone... I've thanked God everyday, that their plan never worked and that Charlie was okay... I've thanked God everyday, that Zoey had Secret Service agents there to protect her...I've thanked God everyday that Toby decided to go look for you and you were found sooner rather then later... I've thanked God for those Doctors who operated on you for 14 hours and saved your life..."

Jed got to his feet and walked over to the window. Josh also stood up out of respect and waited from him to continue.

"The night your Father died, can you remember what I promised you?"

"Sir?" Josh questioned, frowning a little.

"I'd never make you think I don't know what you've given up or what your value is."

"Mr President, I don't think that."

"While you were in surgery, we had to prepare ourselves for the worse, that we could lose you," Jed informed him. "Even after you were out of danger, we had consider we'd lose you anyway, that you wouldn't want to return to work...Leo was sure that if your Mother tried hard enough, she'd could guilt you into quitting."

Josh smiled briefly, remembering his Mom's attempts to get him to leave the White House.

"You gave up a lot that night, Josh," Jed stated. "Never mind all the physical problems you had to overcome as a result but you also fought back to the place where you belong."

"But I haven't done a very good job of it," he mumbled.

"I think you've done just fine."

"I put my hand through a window," Josh argued before looking down in embarrassment. "And I lied to the people I care about, about it."

Jed smiled sadly at him. "I'm sorry, you felt like you couldn't come to us, Josh."

"No, Sir...it's not that...It was..." He sighed, running a hand over his face. "I felt ashamed... That I let everything get the better of me...I'm better then, I know I am."

"You've been through a hell of a lot, it's understandable to have some difficultly dealing with it," Jed reasoned. "Everyone else around here has...Toby wanted to take a leave of absence...Charlie tried to quit... C.J had to get Sam to help her out with the press afterwards..."

"Yeah." Josh thought about his friends.

"Donna's been doing more then her job description and Leo's been doing twice as much work just so he didn't have to think about it," Jed continued then paused for a moment. "The thing is, Josh...We all expected to face problems coping with this and we dealt with them the best we could... Then you came back and we thought it was all over."

"So, did I." He whispered.

"We struggled with the emotional side while you struggled with the physical..." His voiced trailed off as he stared ahead. Then he turned to Josh. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise you'd need more help then any of us..."

"No, Sir...You don't have to apologies...there is no way you could have known." 

"Like I said earlier, I walk closer to the Secret Service now and I still have nightmares...I don't know why I thought you'd be any different."

Josh fell silent, balling his hands into tight fists as he thought about the nightmares he has when he's asleep and when he's awake.

"I've gotten very good at hiding things, Sir," he whispered. "I didn't want you know...I wanted you to think I was stronger then that."

Jed smiled. "I knew you were strong when you woke up and asked what's next."

A smile played on Josh's lips. "That could have been the drugs talking." 

"Could have been." Jed laughed out loud.

"I'm sorry I didn't ask for help sooner," Josh said, turning serious again.

Jed patted his arm, gently. "Lets forget about that and move on, shall we?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Good, now you're not going to try and hand me that resignation letter that you have in your pocket, are you?"

Josh's hand almost admittedly went to pocket as he stared at the President. "How did you...?"

"I know you, Josh...I knew you'd come in here feeling like you've let us down but you haven't...you understand that?" He questioned. "You've got nothing to feel guilty about, okay?"

"Okay..."

"And I won't allow you to resign, although I know Leo's probably been over this with you." Jed stood up. "Now, why don't you join us in the residence for dinner."

Josh's eyes widened slightly as he got to his feet. "I uh...I'd love to, Sir but..."

"But?" Jed questioned.

"Uh, well you see Donna was meant to go home last night to Wisconsin but she stayed with me... I thought maybe I should try and make it up to her by buying her dinner."

"You do realise it's Christmas Day, don't you?"

Josh smiled. "There's a pizza place a few blocks from her apartment that is open and I'll watch whatever movie she wants."

"Ah, well okay then." Jed nodded, then glanced at Leo's office door. "I guess I'll make do with Leo, then."

"Okay, Sir," Josh replied, although he felt a little bad for his boss. "Thank you, for the offer though."

"Any time, Joshua." He walked towards the door. "Oh and if you see Toby around, tell him... he's next on my list."

"Yes, Mr President." Josh laughed lightly, watching as Jed knocked on Leo's door then disappear into the office.

Josh made his way to Commutation to warn Toby about the President but when he reached his office, he was surprised to see C.J and Sam sat with him.

"What are you guys doing here?" He asked. "I thought you were both heading home last night."

"We decided to stay," Sam answered.

"Why?"

"Why do you think?" C.J questioned, standing up. "How did it go?"

"What?"

She rolled her eyes. "Talking with Stanley...How did it go?"

"Uh, it was fine...I guess," he said quietly, avoiding looking at any of them. "I listen, I wanted to say sorry..."

"Don't." Toby cut him off.

"Don't what?"

"Don't say sorry...I don't say anything, just forget about it." He told him.

"Yeah and you know, don't do it again," Sam added.

Josh stared at them for a moment before giving a single nod. "Okay."

"Right, now that's dealt with, what do we do now?" Sam questioned.

"We probably should get out of here... The President is busy dragging Leo up the residence but he's next stop his here..."

Before Josh had finished the statement, both Sam and Toby had jumped up from their seats and C.J had already started putting on her coat.

Josh laughed, shaking his head. "Come on, I'm heading over to Donna for some pizza and movie... Why don't you guys join us."

"Sounds like the perfect way to end a perfect Christmas." Sam said wistfully but then notice them all staring at him. "Uh, sorry...was that too much?"

"Just a bit," C.J answered as she brushed past him on the way out.

"I'm not watching no Christmas rubbish," Toby insisted, following C.J out.

"Toby, it _is_ Christmas." Sam replied as he walked beside Josh. "Have a little Christmas Sprite."

"I'm Jewish!"

"Oh yeah..." 

Jed and Leo walked around the corner, listening their voices drifting off, as C.J and Toby started arguing about who was going to buy the beers, while Josh and Sam laughed.

"I told you everything was going to work out okay," Leo stated.

"Okay, fine you were right." Jed rolled his eyes. "Now, lets go...Dinner will be served soon and Abbey will kill me if we're let."

"Actually, Sir...Maybe I should try and catch up them..." Leo started, gesturing in the direction his staff had just gone. "You know, let you have some quality time with your family."

"Nonsense..you are family." Jed insisted. "Besides, you're too old and would probably just cramp their style."

"Hey, excuse me..."

"Come on, lets go.." Jed walked away before Leo could say any more. "And afterwards we can all play a little quiz game." 

Leo groaned but had no choice but to follow the President.

**The End**

**Please review and if you ask nicely, I'll do an Epilogue!! Thanks!!1**


	8. Epilogue

**Okay, this is the last chapter!! Thank you for everyone who reviewed! Please review again and let me know what you think!! Thanks!!**

**Enjoy!!**

**People Still Care**

Sam was looking at some files, trying to get his head around them. He had been out of politics for way to long.

"Hey," Josh said calmly, wondering into the room with his hands buried deep in his pockets.

"I can't believe that I use to be able to understand all this." Sam gestured to the folders. "It's going to take me months to catch up with everything."

"You'll be fine." Josh leaned back against a desk. "About earlier, with Otto..." 

Sam looked up at him. "Yeah?"

"I..I'm just tired," he explained. "I guess, I lost it for a moment, I'm sorry."

Sam shrugged. "You'll feel better once you've had some time off."

"Yeah, I don't think I'm going to be able to do that just yet..."

"Well, I'm out of here then." Sam threw the folder on the desk.

Josh sighed loudly, running a hand through his hair. "What is it with people and ultimatums today?!"

"Josh, you're going to burn out."

"I've just got to sort the transition out then I'll see about taking a day or something off." 

"No."

"Sam..."

"No, Josh...God, don't you understand? Santos needs you...He's going to make a good President but he doesn't know how everything works," Sam claimed. "And the rest of your staff, well they're pretty new to all of this too."

"Which is why I need you to be my Deputy."

"You need a break."

"I can't..."

"You went from President Bartlet's re-election to Zoey's kidnapping... Then there was Gaza..." 

"It's my job..." 

"It wasn't your job to fly halfway across the world with nothing."

Josh glared at him. "Yes, it was..."

"You come back from Gaza and had to deal with the peace talks...There was Leo's heart attack," Sam said, watching as Josh started to pace around. "Then you quit.."

Josh ran a hand through his hair. "I didn't just quit...I left to run a Presidential campaign."

"Exactly and that hasn't been a stress free job."

"It's a campaign, Sam! Of course there's going to be stressed!" Josh raised his voice. "I signed up for it and I signed up for this too!"

"A break down?"

"I'm fine!"

"When was the last time you slept?"

"Last night."

"Yeah right," Sam laughed sarcastically.

Josh walked over the window but barely glanced out before walking back across the room.

"Look at you," Sam said quietly. "You can't even stand still." 

Josh forced his feet to stop moving and turned to face Sam.

"You're trying to deal with way too much," Sam continued. "I don't know what's happening between Donna and you but I know there's something there...You haven't even started to grieve for Leo."

Josh tensed and spun around away from Sam again. "I can handle it."

"Leo was always your guy... he was the one you worked so hard to please.."

"Okay, stop."

"And he died on one of the biggest days of your life...Just like your Dad."

"Seriously, Sam...just stop it!" 

Sam fell silent but only for a few seconds. "You've had a hard couple of years... Why can't you just take some time off?"

"I can't..." Josh whispered, his back still to Sam.

"Josh..."

"I can't stop." He moved to lean against a wall. 

"Why?"

"I just can't."

"I remember last time."

"What?"

"I remember the last time you couldn't stop."

Josh frowned a little in confusion.

"You kept going and going until you put your hand through a glass window."

Josh pushed himself away from the wall and stood up straight. "Don't you dare compare this to then!"

"You're ignoring everything... You're dealing with Leo's death, you probably haven't talked to anyone about Gaza." 

"I wasn't even there!"

"But Donna was."

"It's not the same, Sam."

"I'm not going to hang around here and watch you go through all of that again."

Josh rubbed his eyes before running his hands through his hair again. "I don't know how to get him to listen."

"Who?"

"The President-Elect... I don't know...This is a new administration and I want to learn from the mistake we made but I want to continued the good work we'd done...I want the Bartlet administration to be remembered..." He sat down looking at Sam. "But I can't get the President-Elect to listen to me."

"You need to take a step back, Josh," Sam advised. "You're running around trying to deal with everyone's problems but you can't...You got to set back and see the bigger picture." 

Josh sighed, leaning back in his chair but didn't say anything.

"You've got the rest of today to think about the vacation," Sam told him as he searched around for something in his bag. He pulled at a small white envelope and held it out to Josh.

"What is it?" Josh questioned, looking at it and seeing there was no writing.

"It's a letter I wrote to you."

"When?" Josh opened the envelope.

"The same night as Rosslyn."

Josh's looked up and locked eyes with Sam, surprised.

"We didn't know if you were going to make it...There was a lot of waiting around and...well, I wrote you a latter." Sam explained, he moved closer to the door watching as Josh gripped tighter onto the paper. "The night, of the Christmas party...The reason why I came to your apartment...It was to give you this latter."

"Why?" He asked quietly.

"Because you were struggling and I wanted you to know that people cared about you," Sam told him. "I'm giving it to you now because your struggling and people still care about you." 

Josh stayed silent, suddenly feeling overwhelmed about everything.

"I'm going to get a coffee." Sam walked to the door. "Think about what I said." 

Josh just nodded but continued to stare at the envelope in his hand. He sat there for almost 15 minutes before he finally built up the courage to pull the letter out. He carefully unfolded the old, worn paper and instantly recognised Sam's writing.

_Dear Josh, _

_ Something terrible happened tonight. We were all victims of a senseless crime but for some reason unbeknown to me, you've come off worse._

_You're in surgery now and the doctors have told us we should prepare for the worse. I don't care what they say Josh because you are strong. You are one of the strongest people I know. You can fight this, I know you can. You can beat this! You can't leave us._

_I'm sorry that I'm writing this letter because it might seem like a goodbye but I'm praying so hard that I won't need it. I just can not sit here and wait for news. I need to do something. I need not to sit here and look at everyone's faces. We're all distraught...I cannot take the look on Toby's face... I cannot stand C.J trying to comfort me even though she needs someone to tell her everything will be okay... I cannot stand to watch Donna sit in fear of her heart being ripped out of her chest._

_The only thing that can fix all of this, is if you come back to us Josh. So keep fighting...Keep being strong...Come back to us._

_S.Seaborn_

_**XxXxX**_

Sam gave him an hour before returning to the office and saw him stood by the window.

"I got you a sandwich," he said, causing Josh to turned around.

"Thanks," Josh replied quietly. "The President-Elect has stepped out for a moment but once he's back, I'll introduce you."

"Okay."

"You'll going to need to met him if you're going to cover for me." 

Sam smiled slightly. "You're taking a vacation?"

"My flight leaves in a few hours." He nodded.

"That's great."

"Donna's coming with me." 

Sam raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Really?" 

"We need to talk about Gaza and what happened after...Plus we need to deal with what's happening between us."

"So there is something happening between you two?"

"I hope so." 

"Well, I think it's great."

"Sam?"

"Yeah." 

"I am fighting...just...you were right, I need to step back because I'm not fighting the right way."

"Just come back to us."

Josh nodded and they both fell silent.

"Josh?" Ronna knocked lightly on the door. "The Congre...I mean, the President-Elect is on his way back over."

"You ready?" Josh looked at Sam.

"Are you?"

"Yeah, lets go."

**The End**

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